This is a sympathy card in German. A rough translation: "Sincere Sympathy" in the northeast quadrant of the card, and "When the sun of the life sets, the stars illuminate the memory" in the southwest quadrant. This is a very typical, that is, commonplace, mundane, banal, quotidian expression, and cards like this are probably not even read by many recipients, who have already guessed (correctly!) the sentiment. Most of these traditional sympathy cards look very similar to one another, a situation which further limits the attention the bereaved undoubtedly deserves. My suggestion, and it is put forward with only the greatest temerity, is to create another category of bereavement documents: Sympathy-Humor. After all, the category: Birthday-Humor exists, and laughter is supposed to reduced feelings of loss and hopelessness, so this new type of card makes sense. There could be a series with the motto: "Don't collect them all!" to reduce the possibility of an outcry against such crass and cruelty. My first sketch, almost completed, would have a quaint peaceful scene on the front, maybe of a quiet place which has recently become empty and void of happiness, and the words: "You are not alone". When the card is opened the devil and his minions are seen to be rejoicing as they welcome the dearly departed to a celebration of truly satanic proportions. A small slit in the card would allow the sender to place a picture of the deceased close to Lucifer. There would also be the option of purchasing these cards with a soundtrack. My choice would be "Hell", by the Squirrel Nut Zippers, but I am always open to suggestions, especially if they are suggestive and rude. I patiently await!

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Geisterfahrer

An individual known as "der Geisterfahrer", or "ghostly driver", is also referred to as "der Falschfahrer", or "wrong(way) driver", and is much feared on German roads, especially the autobahn, where he/she can cause an understandable amount of confusion, if not death and destruction. Motives should always be considered, however, and some Gesterfahrer might simply be disoriented, or tired, or purposely and purposefully headed in the "wrong" direction with a distinct goal in mind and intent on avoiding oncoming traffic. They might even be driving on the shoulder of the road, or during low-traffic times, so as to cause as little concern as possible. In the song by the same name, the German pop group, Tokio Hotel , is centered on an attempt by a man to reach his true love, even though he has had to make a 180 degrees turn on the roadway.

Dad's Rules of Combat

My dad is a soldier. He served for 20 years in the US Army, and his outlook on interpersonal relations was ingrained in us all from our earliest moments, for better or worse. I like to think of myself as a pacifist, someone who can use reason and diplomacy to solve conflicts and disagreements. But no matter how hard I try, my dad's words of wisdom keep popping into my head.

Never start a fight, but if someone starts one with you, hit them first, hit them hard, and you should only have to hit them once.

Last week my son had his calculator stolen out of his backpack on the bus. The boys that took it didn't know him, though one is in our neighborhood. He is a huge boy, 6'5", about 240 pounds, and bears a striking resemblance to a troll. My kid called me at work to tell me what happened, and knowing a fair amount about this boy and his past run-ins with other kids, I decided not to put Junior in harms way and handled it myself. I figured he was much less likely to beat me to a pulp knowing his mother, who happens to be a prison guard, was a friend of mine.

I went over on my way home while I was still full of righteous anger. After a series of hard-line but frustrating negotiations with the dear child and a long conversation with his mother, the situation was somewhat resolved. He brought over $30 to replace the calculator, and knows that I promised his mom I would let her know immediately if there was any other unpleasantness with either him or his toady pals. So far so good.

I was able to replace the calculator, but it only cost me about $15. Do I give him the change? Do I donate the balance to our daughter's Walk to Cure Diabetes team? Hmmm.

We've decided to give him the change. I want him to know that we're not out for vengeance, but justice. I want him to know that we appreciate his willingness to take responsibility for his actions and even those actions of his friends (he fully confessed to his mother, even though his friends destroyed the calculator). And I want to show him a kindness that he didn't show my son, and hope that it will make him think through his future actions before he commits them. My husband wanted our son to take the money over and try to salvage the "relationship." I refused, as there was no prior relationship and the negotiations were with me, not our son. I want him to look me in the eye and know that I know that he knows that I know. I'm not the one that rides the bus with him, so if there are hard feelings (which I don't think there will be), he will have them towards me and not our son.

Idealistic? Yes. Naive? Perhaps. Foolish? I hope not.